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babies: the new lame

I’ve had an ebb and flow of popularity in my life.  Certain ages/places/times I was hot-like-fire, and other times not so much.  It’s interested to me how the excuses from my lamer friends have changed over the years.  These days – it’s babies.

Babies are little bundles of joy that come into one’s life bringing beauty, love, and a completely different perspective. [Not to mention all that other stuff that you’re probably thinking about – the scariest possibility to me being the episiotomy.]  But you know what happens when your friends have babies, right?

First, they go underground for a couple months.  This is cuz they’re not sleeping, and sometimes they don’t know if it’s day or night – so they just don’t bother going out unless they need food or diapers.  The only way to see them during this time is to visit.

After the first couple months, the parents will take the baby different places, but it’s a huge chore because babies have a lot of accessories.  They’re sleeping a bit more, but they’re still tired all the time.  By now they’re comfortable having those disjointed parental conversations where they talk to you about their kid but interrupt themselves by talking to their kid and ensuring that the baby’s not wet/hungry/thirsty/ill/gassy or otherwise distressed.  This interruptalk is permanent and may never really fade.

Reaching closer to the one year mark is cool, because there’s this window when the child is a tad bit more autonomous, but not entirely fluent.  From about 10months to around two, parents feel like they can still periodically go out and be cool as long as they have  a trustworthy babysitter.  Sometimes even up to 3yrs old.

After the 3rd bday, tho, parents are fully entrenched – and if they haven’t already had their 2nd, they’re thinking/talking about it.  During this time they may let you in on the info – they’re “trying” again.

That’s probably not something you wanted to know, because now, if you’re single, you’ve probably got at least a shadowy picture of this couple having sex in your head.  The more they talk about ‘trying’, the more detailed that picture gets.  And the more you wonder if you can exorcise these images enough to remain friends without feeling weird around them.  [I don’t know what pictures – if any – you get if you’re married.]

Anyway, now events are planned to consider whether childcare is available, whether children are allowed, or whether the entertainment is age-appropriate.  Other considerations include bathroom facilities, white furniture, and the proximity of other children or toys.

So, if you live in a less metropolitan area, where people get married and have babies fairly early [as opposed to say, after 30], you may be familiar with the boat I’m in.  Namely, that which has christened nearly every one of my friends and acquaintances as established families, new parents, or expecting.

Thankfully, I really like kids – so it works out.  I just didn’t expect them to change my life so much prior to me having any of my own.

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